KAMATHIPURA

 14th street Kamathipura
“Hey Krishna! Am I that bad? “
I lied there as cold as ice, as immobile as a rock , waiting for some applied force to remove my state of inertia. But nothing seems to happen. No where nobody seems to care. It was just me, the naked body of a pretentious soul who tried to quench the thirst of her own carnal and dumb destitution. I turned my face and hid it inside the pillow…some crazy ant who resided on the pillow to suck the elements of oil inside it bit me hard. But with a single pinch, I thumbed it down and crushed it’s body. Ha! What an irony…this is how the omniscient omnipotent crushed my whole life.
       I turned again to face the wall. Even the wall seemed mocking me.
“Hey you bloody traitor” it calls me. I shut my ears unable to take more. Oh I can hear some music…playing from that horizon of life which is unformidable and restricted to me… Ha gazal!
“ Tum Ko dekha to ye…ghayaal aaya…
Zindagi Dhoop Tum Ghana saaya”
       And that was his favourite, I hummed together with the consistently fading voice
“ Aaj phir Dil ne ik tammanna ki…”
No. Not today…my heart wishes for nothing but salvation, which I know I can never achieve even if I amreborn in this viscious cycle of Karma for another 1000 years.
“ Yes Iam that bad”
“ No. You aren’t. And you’ll never be”
That little voice in my head whispered with affection. Yet I chose to ignore that voice because lately I find it hard to juxtapose between the voice of my soul and the voice of my deadly dangerous brain.
***********
It all seemed like a dream. You know there are these specific types of dreams which suddenly prop up in your head in the form of a villain killing your peaceful sleep that you were enjoying and turning it easily into a treacherous roller coaster ride where you find yourself holding on tightly but you know the fact that you are going to loosen the grip because somewhere someone screams.                “ Hey...you idiot there is no point in holding on” and that moment when you completely let go off the grip you are sure that you are going to face the ultimate because you are falling off from the sky and you just cannot do anything about it. This was how my story began…they told me it was easy…they told me
“ Maa…aap teek hoge…Darna math, mere peeche aavo”
And me! Dumb me! I followed them restlessly interrogating them about the time when the food would be served rather than finding the ways in which I could have escaped.
“ You had no choice…and you know very well how hunger kills your reason and puts you in a state where you’ll never be able to think of anything else.”
“ Keep quiet” I shouted.
The cat underneath my bed purred and meowed getting irritated.
“ Not you idiot!” I told him…he looked at me with the same disgust he had on his face when I did it. He was the only witness.
Krishna…Am I turning mad? I started talking to myself and I can’t find reason to stop it.
Oh! There is some commotion outside. No! There is something going on outside. I put on my duppatta…my heart started beating so hard…my hands started sweating even though it was profoundly cold…Whatever happens I should look young and wild…always ready to welcome.
                        ******

As I stood infront of the mirror, I thought about my old self , the way I combed my hair so graciously that he would always call me his queen of grace , the way he lifted my spirits  up high through cheesy yet romantic words , the way he called me his angel...I laughed so hard…that my stomach started aching
“ You moron!”
We were married at a very young age, I was just 12 and he 18. I could not find lust in his reddish brown almond eyes which sparkled because I was innocent and unaware of this wreckful world of adults. He loved me for the sake of love and I was merely a sexual toy. Those nights he kicked me out of my bed roaring that I stunk like old rotten tomatoes, those moments when the pure girl inside me was trying to give him happiness , the way he hammered that I cannot give him happiness ever in my life…the way he bit my lips and drank the blood which dropped down through my lips…the way he kicked my left breast that its infection lasted for more than three years , the way he crushed my whole body that I found it hard to walk for a week after his arrivals.
“Ha …what a gruesome, evil and dreadful sadist you were…I am happy that I lost you”
                    ******
I slowly opened the door…It was Mayuri maa..
“ Oh! Deedi! Tumne mujhe Dara gayi”
“ Darna math beti…everything is alright. Shall I send one in?
“Yes . Iam going to make him feel loved”
                  ******
Inside the room, I felt like I betrayed her…she has supported me for everything and she calls me her ' good luck' . Should I do it again? My streams of thought were interrupted by the cat's hungry meow. I took the bottle in which I kept milk for him and I saw the drops of blood…
It was yesterday night…I waited for my usual ' client'. But I saw an old man of fifty entering casually onto my room and he had the same reddish almond eyes. The revenge porridge  which boiled in my stomach for 23 years took the form of a monster and hid my usual self. I was the most beautiful and tempting prostitute in the whole world yesterday…and with a single slash of my knife I kicked out the life from that grungy stinking body the same way he kicked me out of his bed when I was just 15.
              ******
“ You did ?”
“ Yes. Yesterday!”
“ Is there any point in me asking how did it go? “
I answered with a sly smile       “satisfactory”
“ Now can I take your hand in marriage? “
 “ Yes” I answered.
At last a prostitute found love in a desperate man who once was her ‘usual client’ and who valued her existence.


         

The Happiest Moment of My Life

I sat down on the corner of the classroom with two sheets of paper.Staring out through the window I was thinking about the happiest moment of my life.Without creating the happiest moment,my mind flew out to watch my little life on this earth,in the last 17 years! Was it little time? Or I just exaggerated those 6205 days as 'little'.I started writing telling briefly about my family background, "born to middle class nuclear family,I was brought up by providing a good moral and educational support by my parents up to the age of 12.My parents were my world.My Appa and Amma, I would have died for them!!!"

                                                         But then too, I really doubted for what I was writing this for?Where is the happiest moment? I thought in my mind,when I sneaked at my friends' paper I saw them writing something seriously.Everyone had different different expressions on their faces.Some would have cried out loud, engulfing themselves in their stories.

                                                      But me,sitting with a blue ball point pen,with a laugh in my mind thought"why did my 'genes' not get the talent of writing"?

I continued"After the age of 13 I was changed into a completely different person I got angry when my Appa advised me and I was mad when my Amma scolded me. The only place for happiness was my school." I stopped. I made a little pause, Am coming to the point that I haven't got any happiness in my home. Mind totally pricked,my mood for writing further more escaped into the woods. I dropped my blue lexi pen to the bench and started swimming into the vast ocean of sweet memories. At that time I realized my Appa and Amma was no more with me.And it was my fault.

                                                      Addicted to panparag and cocaine at the age of 16, I left my home discarding my parents into a large lake of despair. If God have decided to change our destiny,no matter how hard we try not to change it,it will definitely happen.Someone like an angel sent by God happened to be a part of my life which entirely changed my destiny. Lakshmiyamma was that angel.She told me about that story- which I don't want to take out once again-which took me into a condition of total depression regretting my deeds. Holding my hands with her lean fingers she held me to this school and admitted me here in this special school.

                                                    My ego did not allow me to go back to my parents,more than ego,it was my inhibition to face them.But now I regret For not doing so.I was their only son, I was their life...I got up and took my pen with great courage! I held my pen strongly in my hands. At least in this story, I should be able to change my life...

                                                  So I started writing again: "But unhealthy friendship turned my life upside down. I got addicted to drinks and other alcohol products( I didn't mention drugs cause I thought my impression among teachers would go!!!)and left home.But last week I went back my home.I saw my parents crying in despair and deciding to end their life in a small bottle...HOPELESS...they were....I went inside and hugged them tightly.I was blessed and was completely blessed.They looked at me with their wet eyes and held me warmly with their hands!This was my happiest moment."

                                                  I cried a lot keeping my face on the bench and throwing my pen through the window.I realized that now I could not take it as the happiest moment since my Appa and Amma ended their life in a small bottle...I was dumbstruck. For what should I live now?? For whom should I live now??